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LITTLE INTRO :
Contrary to what most probably assume about me, I am not against the idea of settling down with someone, but I think it's annoying how society pushes everyone - men and women alike - to settle down at a certain point in their lives, obviously meaning marriage and children.Also note that I will not be discussing my thoughts on the sexist issues in this concept. I will also not go into the "nontraditional" families that exist today. Both are a whole 'nother slew of blog posts.
This will only be about how Americans feel the pressure of having to settle down at a certain age just because it used to be like that.
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This blog post was actually inspired to be written based on a conversation I had with one of my professors and how we both think that society's need to have a time limit of unmarried/childless life is stupid. I feel as though this concept tends to get lost in the "unfair expectations" pile amongst things like women needing to wear makeup to look pretty or men needing to excessively work out to gain muscle because it's not looked at as often. It's probably more engraved into our minds as "normal" than unfair, whether we realize it or not. And I think that should change - not because I fear of being judged myself later down the line for being independent, but because I simply know I will be and I don't think others should feel this way, either. Especially for women to have children, you know, because all females are supposed to want to have babies and do so while still young and trying to make successful careers for themselves.
It's like some clock is ticking before any hope for happiness can be found for both men and women.
So what is it about people and settling down?
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I think people just want to fulfill this engrained comfort because they don't know better. That being married and having children at the "right" time will mean that they have finally done what they are supposed to do in life. That everyone will be happy and you will have met up to people's expectations; however, the other side of the situation is that if you don't do these things by a certain time, then you will have failed at life in the eyes of your peers. That you just can't do commitment, you can't find someone, you don't want to find someone, you're just being rebellious, you don't care enough about your family's expectations, you are incapable of loving and being loved, etc.
We seem to have happily accepted the mindset of outdated morals, even to this day. Back then, people didn't live very long, so obviously marrying and having children early in life was the norm. But now we can live up to 100-years-old, so why does this archaic mindset remain? You'd think this fact would be factored in and scaled, if need be. People should choose to "settle down" whenever they want to, though no one should feel required to even do that.
I guess I just don't quite get it. I plan to make sure that I am wholly satisfied with my life before I go choosing to spend it forever with someone else and maybe have children with them. I'm not going to cave in just because society says I should have a band around my finger and a soccer-mom van at a certain age. I'm me and I will be "ready" when I am "ready," if I ever want to be "ready." I just hope others can agree.
I'd understand if you don't, can't, or won't.
~xxj
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10 comments:
Jessica,
Your brought up a very good point with this one. An entry that actually I see being more revelevant now than ever before. Society continues to hold onto values that are, for lack of a better term, are obsolete.
I think it's unfair to have to live up to the expectation of "married with children" but not live to see your own aspirations become reality. Unfortunately, this concept, being so valued by our parents' generation has fallen on our shoulders to uphold.
It's a lot like a girl feeling the need to wear makeup to feel beautiful or to gain acceptance, or for a guy to constantly work out, just to maintain what society views as perfection.
Problem with these ideas is, they're literally all around us. We are always bombarded with the idea of finding "the one" and chasing "forever and ever" that we start to believe the press they write. A good example is a friend of mine is already engaged at age 18, simply because he feels his fiance is "the one" based on what he ses around him and doesn't want to lose her. The girl in turn, has stacks and stacks of bridal magazines always searching through the pages for perfection on this day of days.
My thoughts. Live life. I'm not saying not to go looking for romantic relationships, but at this phase of our lives nothing should be set in stone. I say, explore, grow and achieve and when you feel that urge to "settle down, it will be on your own terms, not because the ideology of the day says you have to. Plus, if you take your rime, you're sure to find someone who really compliments you. Just my opinion.
Jessica, this blog post is severely lacking. The whole point of it is how you take a stance against being "forced" to be married after a point in your life, and how American society pushes that on people, but you provide no proof. Where is this ideal shown in modern days? How is it being pushed on people?
You bring age into it, and how we live much longer in this modern age, but if one wishes to bear offspring, it's nature that's forcing a time limit on that aspect, not society. No matter how long a woman lives, once she experiences menopause, her time of child bearing is over. That is not society pushing any ideal on her, that is her own body.
Without any kind of antagonist to your blog post, it seems like you're making an issue out of something that doesn't exist.
Anonymous,
One: I disagree, this blog post is specifically a "Jessica Says" post which are solely my thoughts without needing to cite anything. If you're interested in this topic, there are many credible articles on the internet that will provide proof. It is not my job to do that.
Two: This is a blog. Blogs are to express opinions.
Three: You clearly must not know any people over the age of 25. Society does push people to conform to specific series of life events. And as for both women and men, yes, if they choose to have a child, for their health and their child's health, they should have said child by a certain age. You're missing my point here. I'm not talking about the technical aspect of having children. I'm talking about how society does in fact push people to have children, get married, settle down at a certain age - regardless of health concerns.
Four: You're biased, which is very apparent here. You don't think this exists. Again, there are many articles concerning this topic. Feel free to look them up.
~xxj
I'm going to respond to your third point, and will ignore the obvious attitude. What specific series of life events are you referring to, and why is this an issue?
The series of events in a lifetime I see is Elementary School > High School > Job and College > Career. Are you disagreeing with this series? If so, why? This is not a society issue, this is a natural progression of life. Where is the problem?
As for your love and marriage issue, firstly, I know plenty of people of all ages. Thank you for assuming when you know absolutely nothing about me. Secondly, of the people I know, some of them are married and still in school, others are waiting until they graduate, and some even traded college for their marriage.
I'm sorry that your view on society is seemingly narrow and you're being pressured like this, but in my view, this is not the case. People will get married whenever they choose, it's only a coincidence that the majority of people choose to do so between the ages of 25-35.
Anonymous,
Look, I'm almost certain I know who you are, but even if you aren't who I am assuming you are, I find that you've a predetermined opinion of me. You've nothing kind to say in any of your posts. And pot, kettle in regards to the attitude comment.
You are still not getting this concept. Perhaps research the issue because I don't feel like I need to provide articles to you because of your attitude. And the fact that you listed the progressions of life proves that you've a particular stereotype engrained into your mind. For example, many people don't go to college right after high school. And also in the progressions you listed, you failed to mention what this post is about: settling down. Marriage and children.
Thank you for your posts. I enjoy them but may not allow them to be published in the future since they've an unwelcoming tone. Also, note that they go to spam, though no others' comments have.
~xxj
Wow, Jessica you seemed to have attracted a hater this time around. But he (or she) exposed a hole in their own logic. You know, you wanna talk about inconsistencies, how about not addressing the main topic of the post, but instead, seemingly basing someone for how she sees things. Besides, why would someone waste their time bashing someone else? Unless they thought they had something to prove?
Ignore your detractors, Jess
This is a valid and valuable issue/topic in our American society. This pressure that you sense is lessening somewhat as the generations change...no longer are women viewed as deficient if they choose not to have children...well, usually. ;) And representations and the frequency of childless-by-choice couples are certainly improving - for instance, DINKs (double income no kids) couples and "Living Apart Together" couples are becoming more common, thus more "normal" and acceptable to at least those who aren't completely traditionally-minded in our society. Good post. Obviously a subject that has the potential to generate discussion. :)
Dan,
Sorry for not responding to your original post sooner. I really like what you wrote and it's good to read that others see that societal norms are becoming a tad obsolete at this point. And I know plenty of people who feel like they have to fit this cookie-cutter shape. And thanks for your words about my hater. He or she also commented on a few others. I don't really understand why they're attacking my posts, but I'm pretty certain I know who it is (the one on my facebook who got worked up over my <3 irony status update haha). Possibly.
Dr. Morris,
I'm happy to read that the pressure is lessening over the generations. And I guess more people have to stop feeling like they have to fit this mold for these "abnormals" to just be considered normal. Thanks about my post and yay, definitely happy to read that! :)
~xxj
It appears that someone (Anonymous) doesn't actually understand the topic. He (or she) is spending more time arguing on who is right or wrong and missing the main point of the blog. I've got your back girl... keep doing your thang lol.
Leever,
Thank you very much for defending me. At least I am not the only one who doesn't understand this person's motive.
~xxj
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