My Thoughts on Receiving Undeserved Forgiveness (Final Blog Post)

Lake Ontelaunee (Personally-taken photograph)

"It takes a strong person to say sorry, and an ever stronger person to forgive." - Unknown.

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So I decided to make this post my final xxjessicaSays blog post, for several personal reasons, though I think this is a far better chapter to end this series on than the prior one.

The main purpose of this is to share with the world how I feel about having received undeserved forgiveness.

Though I believe it is rare to genuinely find or achieve, there will always be someone out there who will forgive you for having done something wrong, even after having known you don't deserve it a single ounce of it.

But when it happens,

I just have to say it's one of the most amazing feelings.

(One during which you will most likely cry.)

The world appears brighter, the grass is greener, smiles become existent.

Guilt begins to fade, worry begins to cease, sadness begins to retreat. 

And as this seemed to be a theme in my prior posts,

I'll add that comfortable shores can even begin to come into sight.

And we all need that, no matter what.

And there is truly no limit on how many times you can say

Thank you.

~xxj

"Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: What Shall We Die For?" by Hans Zimmer

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[EDIT: ADDITION 10/6/12]

Readers:

Thank you for following my blog.

A new one will maybe later be crafted to continue what I had stopped months ago (poking fun at American culture and media). Maybe.

Regardless,

thanks for being such supportive readers and commenters.

And feel free to check out my personal website for "Jessica Anastasia" programmatic music, creative writings, and art here.

~xxj

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Can't Look Me In The Eyes II

Back to searching for comfortable shores.

REALIZATIONS II:

This is just a bit of an addition, but I didn't want to put it with yesterday's post because the tone is somewhat different, as yesterday's tone was full of disappointment, realization, and some sadness.

But today feels different. To truly mentally realize that you've let someone go who severely hurt you is rather liberating. It is like getting out of an abusive relationship, getting a heavy burden off your shoulders, or revealing a secret that has torn you apart.

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To truly mentally realize that you've let someone go who cared more about their wellbeing than yours, despite you sacrificing yours for theirs, is enlightening. It's like finally seeing someone for who they really are, not how you saw them before. Was the sacrifice wasted, or did you take the moral high ground? Will you see him or her again, would you even want to?

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To truly mentally realize that you've let someone go who couldn't really look you in your tearful, unwavering eyes, and spoke fallacious words to your face says volumes. It's like putting the key in the door and locking it, like closing the note-in-a bottle and letting it float off to sea, like finishing a last entry to a diary and capping the pen.

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It's not "moving on" from a situation, it's letting go of an aspect,

though that does not mean anything is forgiven or forgotten.

Or that the story is over and untold.

Or that things are completely okay, or that you've given up.

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If anything,

it's just understanding that who you saw wasn't who it was,

and you realize that now. 

Perhaps, in time, such could be discussed more seriously under different circumstances.

Forgiveness? Acceptance? Tolerance? Pity?

Apology?

It is sad to let go of someone you actually cared about based upon past,

but it's difficult to care about someone who obviously doesn't care about you, and hasn't for a while.

Why waste the time or the energy?

"It's like cradling scorpions," someone once said.

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Truth will always be revealed, in one way or another - at some time or another.

"Lies have speed, but truth has endurance."

I stand for truth.

And I also stand for compassion.

 

But I also never forget the reasoning why I cared about someone in the first place.

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This is my final xxjessicaSays blog post, as this, in a sense, is closing the book of blog posts that began as fun and ended as what several know it did.

Thank you to ALL my readers and commenters. I appreciate your efforts of reading my thoughts.

Thank you to everyone who has supported my efforts, actions, and perspective this entire time, too.

 

And, as can be a PR opp, please continue to check out my "Jessica Anastasia" website that features more information about me and my programmatic music, creative writings, and arts.

Until next I write and next you read,

ta.

~xxj

Can't Look Me In The Eyes

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REALIZATIONS: 

Firstly, it has been a while since I've last posted something on here, I actually nearly forgot how to post a picture.

Secondly, I realized something very monumental today after making a very bold move - a very bold move made out of impulse, bewilderment, and disappointment after asking a simple question.

Do I regret it?

No, not entirely.

But I think the most important thing I learned today is that there is no point in further holding onto why you thought someone was great, if he or she can't even look you in your tearful eyes when answering questions or explaining reasoning, especially if some you knew already, but needed to hear in-person.

And especially if he or she lies right to your face.
Even that is a bold and surprising move.

It's times like these that you realize that there's no point in hurting yourself by holding onto those past beliefs.
Wanting to curl up into a ball and cry your eyes out at the feet of that person is self-destructive, self-belittling, and moronic.
Especially when you've been so strong thus far, and already mentally decided to let go a while ago.

There's no point in holding onto these people,
especially when he or she is not there for you,
or don't show sorrow or apology,
or can't even look you in the eyes.

I guess that's kind of like an unsaid goodbye, right?
Some sense of unsought closure.
A door once open, now willingly closed by you.
What a shame, though, especially when you never expected to have to

say goodbye.

EDIT: 
TVD Opp

To those I can turn to and to the prospective open and welcoming doors ahead:

And as always, a sincere thanks to the supportive friends and adult figures in my life.
You've been strong with me from day one and I will never forget your kindness, assistance, and patience (especially with a ton of reading).

Now at 124,413 words.

As was joked by someone and I found it quite humorous, so I made a meme:

Arggg

~xxj

WHY?

✿

"Everybody Lies" Jason Walker

(minus the "love" line in the beginning [why would those in love lie to one another?],
this song is lovely, as I just found it and adored it)

WHY?:

Gasp!
Jessica Anastasia must have picked up the pen or opened Word to have posted such a blog post, right?

No, I'm sorry.

(Though I have been reading a lot.)
I do appreciate people's words in regards to the content in my last blog post,
but no, I haven't written anything (creative or not-creative).
I also appreciate people's words on my personal Facebook , as well.

You can view that dedication blog post below this one or by clicking here.

This isn't a xxjessicaSays blog post dissecting random things that bother me in the media,

or a real "Jessica Says" post in which I give more than a personal opinion to something.

It's not a dedication post either.
These sorts of people have gotten enough from me, I believe.

This post is for me to ask a certain type of people something in particular,
as I've recently wrapped my mind around 

and realized just how badly someone hurt me, and then I thought about others who hurt me,
and I realize I have the same reactions:

I just stand there, 

arms wide,

letting their bullets tear through my skin,

letting their talons crush my bones,

letting my name be dragged through mud,
letting my role be the sacrificial lamb,
letting the weight of burden rest solely on my shoulders,
letting them frolic away into the sunset unscathed,
etc.

So I'm wondering if my usual much-appreciated readers (or random readers)
could answer a few questions for me,
because though I can wrap my head around how people intentionally and willing chose to hurt me,

I don't understand why.
(Maybe I have to stop being so nice.)

My poison pendant that represents my convictions, much like how a Christian would wear a cross

✿

WHY is it that it's always the people you take 

the bullet for,

who are the ones holding the gun?

WHY is it that it's always the people you 

trust most,

who are the ones stabbing you in the back or heart?

WHY is it always the people who you'd 

never expect to hurt you, 

who are the ones to completely slaughter you?

WHY is it always the people who 

build you up,

who are the ones to tear you down? 

WHY is it always the people who appear

selfless,

who are the most selfish?

WHY is it always the people who

actually cared,

who then throw that care to the waste-side?

WHY is it always the people who you

depend on,

who then abandon you?

WHY is it always the people who make 

you happiest,

who choose to take that away?

WHY is it always the people you 

care about most,

who shatter your guarded heart?

Why is it always the 

same story

with these people?

✿

"The Night" by Benjamin Dunnett

ENLIGHTEN ME, PLEASE:

Maybe people just view this as a "sad post" or something. But it's far more than that.

I want answers.

I always want answers. 

I always want knowledge. I always want truth. I always want perspective.
And I value other people's opinions and perspectives.

Some thoughts:

Something about me (perhaps another conviction):
I can't hurt people.
Not willingly, intentionally, or without reason.
When you've been thrown to the wolves or walked all over as I have always been,
you realize that you never want to treat others the way you're treated and thoroughly despise.
(Golden Rule, says the Gold Award Girl Scout)
 

And I hate it when my efforts go unappreciated, 

just as much as I hate it when I inadvertently snub someone else's efforts.
To read more about that conviction, feel free to click below:
"Jessica Says: "Dr. Who:" Never Diminish, Not Appreciate, or Cast Aside Someone's Efforts"

If and when I've unwarrantably hurt someone,
I seek to clear the air - have him or her receive an apology of some sorts.
(I don't entirely believe that words can rightfully portray an apology,
but sometimes they can if written or said well).
Actions still mean more.

On occasion and with those whom I have a strong foundation,
I tend to forgive, as I’m not fundamentally a cruel and unreasonable person.
You can read about some of that conviction in this blog post:
"Jessica Says: My Reality Behind Lies, Truth, Trust, & Forgiveness"

(Btw, just a warning to anybody and everybody, as an anonymous friend just got caught:
I ALWAYS find out if I’ve been lied to or about. Don’t even try.
Liars always end up exposing themselves
or being exposed, anyway. And forgiveness isn't everlasting without what's written below this.)

Perhaps one of the things that hurts more than someone choosing to hurt me is
when the person doesn't seem to care that he or she has done so, and we both know it.
Remorse can sometimes be the only thing an offender can offer to heal another's wounds.
Apologies are also appreciated..
(And warm chocolate chip cookies. Or candy. They both make everything better.)

SO...

Why?

I've given some of my thoughts on the matter, as well as some inquiries.
Please let me know what you think
or if there's something I haven't bent my mind into comprehending.
Or maybe everyone is selfish to a degree.
Maybe I'm less selfish than others.
Sometimes all someone needs is an apology.

"It's a kill or be killed world."

NOTE THAT COMMENTS ARE MODERATED.

(Sorry for the terrible grammar or structure of this entire post; I don't care at the moment.)

*DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR SOMEONE BY SIGNING PETITIONS ON CHANGE.ORG*

"Running Up That Hill" Placebo

(THE VAMPIRE DIARIES❤)

(More TVD music and videos can be found on this blog post:

 Jessica Says: One of the Reasons Why I Love "The Vampire Diaries": The Subject of Humanity)



One of my favorite self-preserving characters: Katarina (TVD)



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 ✿

 FREE ADVERTIZING OP
"Jessica Anastasia":

Though Jessica Anastasia has not added any new music excerpts, literary titles, or art to her creative efforts, her website has been updated for the following: information clarity, better navigation, and revamped aesthetics.

More improvements to come,

though as of right now, there will be no new creative efforts added.

To view her website, please click here.   

UPDATE/CORRECTION:

July 31, 2012

Jessica Anastasia HAS added works to her Arts page under Sketches.

(Sorry, I forgot; as an apology for misleading, my newest work is right below, though a larger version can be viewed on my website or Facebook page:) 

"The Siren" by Jessica Anastasia

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__________________________________________ 

As requested from an Anonymous ;):

"Mutiny" by  Hans Zimmer

Jessica Says: Passions Can and Do, Indeed, Wilt

Pretty White Oleanders' Image Source

ANOTHER SIMPLE SENTIMENT:

(A video for lovely background music and the soundtrack that started my passion and once-pursuit for film composition; "Death" by Danny Elfman from "Edward Scissorhands;" don't look too much into the title of the song, I just feel this beautifully heart-wrenching piece is perfect for this post.) 

♦

Hello, kind readers:

My previous blog post should have been a larger red-flag for me than it was (as noted by my kind friends), but I think my mind was very unwilling to accept what appears to be absolute truth now. Absolute, disappointing, and disheartening truth.

I think I have now accepted that my passion for creative writing will continue to wilt, as it has been doing so for some time now, though what really made me realize this truth was when I attempted to write a humorous, yet flowery, short story of the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies colliding in 4 billion years as a "creative assignment" for my summer Astronomy class, but I just couldn't write. I had several ideas (as who can't love a made up humorous story a galactical war with human-like furious faces?), but  

I. couldn't. write. a. single. sentence. 

Not without other thoughts coming to surface and making it impossible to complete a sentence. I even tried to write a simple poem. Even a short one, but I couldn't.

Even this blog post is very difficult to write, on so many levels.
♦

I'm very disappointed about that. Actually, scratch that. I am SO incredibly disappointed, upset, discouraged, and hurt, as my passion for creative writing had somewhat recently been revived after chilling in the dugout for about 5 years while music composition took highest priority. But I wanted to at least compose a public blog post thanking those who have always unconditionally supported my dreams of becoming a successful creative writer, if this passion does not revive. I appreciate those whom have supported my poems, short stories, and novels ever since middle school. I also appreciate those whom have supported my prior dream of becoming a successful film composer, though for many reasons I will not disclose here, I chose to pursue creative writing instead.

♦

Ever since middle school when I began to craft an image for a combination of my music, my literature, and my art, I realized that I am an entirely creativity-fueled person. Everyone I've grown up with and now know, knows this notion to be very true. However, I do not know how much I will now write or attempt to publish under my legal name or my pseudonym, Jessica Anastasia, now, just as I write infinitely less music than before (last complete composition is dated as being uploaded on August 20, 2011 on my website...yikes). 

For those interested in my literary works, I do hope to finish a currently untitled novel that I've been working on for a while as well as my highly-hyped up supernatural/thriller (or horror?)/psychological thriller fictional short story "Hillcrest Manor," as I've told a handful people of it about seven months ago after waking up from a nightmare and quickly jotting everything down I could remember (gotta love when your sleeping mind comes up with full stories for you). I still believe it is a brilliant idea with a hauntingly beautiful message at the end. (Maybe I just have to keep reminding myself of that so I can actually complete it...or maybe my friends should pester me more ;]) I have also written a handful of "new" poems that range from being written weeks ago to months ago that I believe are "Jessica Anastasia"-label-worthy. 

For those interested in my musical works, as always, I do hope to complete something at some point in time. I have a select few ideas that focus around the poems mentioned above, as well as "Hillcrest Manor." (I wish I could write piano sheet music better.)

*Cough Jessica Anastasia Official Website Cough*

(Trying to keep some humor here, as this post does not focus on a happy topic.)

♦

Thank you to all of the people in my life who have supported, embraced, and praised my creative talents, no matter how they've been affected or altered or whatever by me or any outside forces. Stating as myself and my image (which I generally don't do for protective reasons), your encouraging support has always been and will always be appreciated, no matter what happens, though I truly do hope that this passion can be revived once again.

I will be monitoring comments on this post because I do not believe I am entirely protected here with my words even though this is technically a blog, so please do be careful with your words, intentions, and language.
Even if I think you are an awesome person, if you cannot kindly adhere to what I wrote above for my own safety, your comment will be deleted. But please keep in mind that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the comment any less. I'll probably P/M you and ask you to rephrase your words :)

As stated in my prior post, 

Till 'Til next I write and next you read,

or perhaps this is our bittersweet adieu between writer and reader,
thanks to those who have read my words.
And be true to yourself, as I am to myself. 

~xxj

♦

 (Chopin's relaxing 21st Nocturne)

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SMALL UPDATE :

July 7, 2012

I'm not really updating to say that I've picked up the pen, or opened Word, or anything of the sort, but as I enjoy enlightening people with things that I find beautiful, or interesting, or worth-while, I wanted to share the existence of a wonderful novel called "White Oleander," by Janet Fitch. I haven't read for pure entertainment since the final Harry Potter book, but I need something to do to pass the time these days, and this is the fourth book I've read this summer so far.

As I've been a tremendous adorer of the movie of the same name (it's one of my favorites, as well as "Girl, Interrupted), I decided to look into the novel. I'm only at the beginning, but while reading, I remembered that I put a picture of white oleanders above this public letter. They are my favorite flowers, and a lot because of what they stand for in this movie and book.

I just wanted to share this:

And another thanks to those who've left comments for me about this, as well as those who've contacted me through other means to express your feelings. Your words are ever appreciated xx 
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JESSICA ANASTASIA UPDATE:
Though there have been no new additions to Jessica Anastasia's collections of music, literature, or art, she has updated her official website to include an (incomplete) listing of her literature (short fiction, poetry, and novel), listing of information on About page (Overview, Biography, Upcoming Projects), upgraded Arts page to better display photography and sketches, upgraded Contact page (it's pretty), upgraded Updates page (it's also pretty), and added background music throughout some pages - all utilizing a few new features on the WIX website.

As Jessica Anastasia needs view counts for her account on .tk (a free website-hosting service), please feel free to check it out if you stumble upon this blog post xx

Jessica Anastasia - Composer of Music and Literature Official Website

Jessica Says: 'Til Next I Write & Next You Read

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A SIMPLE SENTIMENT :

I've decided that I've written all that I've needed or wanted to write at this present point in time, as many of my recent blog posts have stated a lot, especially about me as a person, which is something I don't generally do on the internet (even on my personal Facebook account). I suppose everything on here really says something about me, but I don't have the need nor want at the moment to elaborate any more than I already have.

If I choose to delete this blog in time, I just want those who have been regulars on here (regardless if you left a comment on here, on my Facebook, or spoke to me in person) to know that I appreciate all of your efforts for checking out this blog and giving me your opinion in some way. I hope this has been something worth reading.

Till next I write and next you read,

or perhaps this is our bittersweet adieu between writer and reader,
thanks to those who have read my words.
And be true to yourself, as I am to myself.

~xxj

"The Grand Finale" from "Edward Scissorhands" by Danny Elfman♥

(one of my most favorite film compositions and composers; 1:55 slays me every time)

More on Danny Elfman and his amazing compositions here.

More on me as a composer of music and literature, artist, and photographer here.

(I need a certain number count per month)

All right, it's a little bit later, but I'm now on a Danny Elfman rush. Here are some of my other favorite compositions of his, obviously generally from Tim Burton films.

"Victor's Piano Solo" from "Corpse Bride"

"Jack's Lament" from "Nightmare Before Christmas"

 Some of Danny Elfman's greatest hits

"I. Pianos" from "Serenada Schizophrana"

 

Jessica Says: My Reality Behind Lies, Truth, Trust, & Forgiveness

UPDATED JUNE 5, 2012:

• Edited title and added words.

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NEXT CONVICTION :

While chilling with a friend yesterday, we somehow got on the topic of our classes together during the recently ended semester at university and the fact that when I doodle in classes out of boredom or for no reason, I draw eyes and then half faces, sometimes full faces. I randomly asked her if she thought that meant anything, as she tends to draw mazes (that generally do not have actual endings haha...) or very artistic angular designs. So we decided to look it up on some computers and we found that the results were very interesting.

One of the main reasons why it is psychologically believed that people draw eyes randomly or instinctively is because they value

TRUTH,

as eyes are the doors to the truth, what we perceive to be truth, and what others perceive to be truth.

Drawing half faces, I believe, after drawing a single eye, can be said to show the discomfort of the fact that no human being is ever entirely truthful, as we are human, after all.

And it made me think:

One of the things I value most is truth, as that is a major component of trust and reliability in human nature and what I look for in people, as I don't just trust anyone (don't get me started on "group projects").

So why do people choose to lie to me or about me or about someone else, even if I know the truth, we both know the truth, or everyone knows the truth? Why is this so common and silently acceptable in society?

Also, something to note is that this blog post is not about anyone particular person at all. It is simply about my convictions with lies, truth, and forgiveness (I don't want anyone to feel guilty or anything here, okay?), all starting after reading some stuff on the internet yesterday with my friend.

Awesome chalk artwork my friend and I did on her birthday

WHY DO PEOPLE LIE? :

As taken from this website:

"It boils down to the shifting sands of the self and trying to look good both to ourselves and others, experts say. 

'It's tied in with self-esteem,' says University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman. "We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels."

Not all lies are harmful. In fact, sometimes lying is the best approach for protecting privacy and ourselves and others from malice, some researchers say. Some deception, such as boasting and lies in the name of tact and politeness, can be classified as less than serious. But bald-faced lies (whether they involve leaving out the truth or putting in something false), are harmful, as they corrode trust and intimacy—the glue of society."

The seemingly corrupted human condition is that even though we all may appear to be horrible creatures, we are not.  As a species, we have crafted this technique of understanding our thought processes as we need to find a way to protect ourselves from condemnation from all. Sadly, even though it can negatively and drastically have a dramatic effect on others' lives, "denial, evasion, and lying" have become unavoidable features of human behavior. We are all fundamentally not bad creatures, as I somehow remember learning in Philosophy at 8 in the morning one semester. Still, because of all that encompasses human behavior, we remain the most destructive and malicious force our world has ever sadly or happily known.

But lying can still hurt.

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JESSICA SAYS :

As I stated, remaining true to what I perceive as being true is one of my very strong convictions. I stand and fight for what I believe to be true, as it is something I have always valued in others whom I have grown to respect and trust, as I give the same in return. This is obviously a conviction of mine that is linked to the concept of humanity, as I've been looking into different aspects of that lately.

But many people I know whom I have trusted before have lied to me. However, this is where yet another conviction of mine comes in: I attempt to see through all perspectives (which is why most of my friends turn to me to look for advice on how to handle a situation...also relationship advice, which is always interesting as I am not an expert in that field by any means) and be able to forgive. I generally have no patience for those who lie to me, cross my convictions, or harm me in any way. Though it may sound cruel, it is very easy for me to drop others' existences and move on with my life. But I have found that I am very forgiving to some, as I am still friends with those who have lied to me, even if these were blatant lies that scarred me and still hurt to think about. However, not everyone in my eyes can receive a second chance, or a third chance, or a fourth chance, or a thousandth chance (that'd be some mega forgiving). If you are one of those people whom I give these chances to, then I truly value you as a person despite the fact that you have lied. If there is also a strong foundation of trust prior to the lying, then that is always taken into account, of course. Also, some conflicts between friends or people can occasionally make their friendship or bond or whatever even stronger, as it does take a lot to forgive someone. I have always appreciated it when I have been forgiven for my actions if I unintentionally misstep my convictions, as well.

As I do my best to stick to my convictions and practice them thoroughly, I do my best to never say a lie to anyone, as I hate being lied to and have been lied to many times in the past (this is also why people don't like the fact that I am straightforward). I have always stated what I believe to be true, even if ends up not being true and then I try to make amends and share my perspective - which generally does not do me much good, but at least I try.

And I do draw some pretty damn good eyes.

ALSO, whenever I can get the chance to share with everyone some of the amazing music played in "The Vampire Diaries," I shall. And this song pertains SO much to this topic. It's also rather sad. Actually very depressing, so I'll put a photo of a happy kitten below the awesome video that people should watch.

"I Need To Know" by Kris Allen

D'awww, aren't you happy again now? I know I am.
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END OF THE MASQUERADE : 
 I sincerely believe that time will always reveal liars' lies in one way or another.
Especially if those liars don't show their remorse or apologize, if they can even feel that as it takes a lot of heartlessness to lie.
I'm sure even liars, too, have hearts, though.
Maybe?
'Tis just another aspect of my beliefs in regards to this genre.
(And I love [Venetian] masks and masquerades, obv.)

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TO THE READERS :

• Are you able to forgive people who lie to you?
• Why do you think it's easier for some people to lie more than others?
• Is it easy for you to drop the existences of others if they have hurt you (I always find the answers to this one very interesting, especially for people like me)?