Jessica Says: Passions Can and Do, Indeed, Wilt

Pretty White Oleanders' Image Source

ANOTHER SIMPLE SENTIMENT:

(A video for lovely background music and the soundtrack that started my passion and once-pursuit for film composition; "Death" by Danny Elfman from "Edward Scissorhands;" don't look too much into the title of the song, I just feel this beautifully heart-wrenching piece is perfect for this post.) 

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Hello, kind readers:

My previous blog post should have been a larger red-flag for me than it was (as noted by my kind friends), but I think my mind was very unwilling to accept what appears to be absolute truth now. Absolute, disappointing, and disheartening truth.

I think I have now accepted that my passion for creative writing will continue to wilt, as it has been doing so for some time now, though what really made me realize this truth was when I attempted to write a humorous, yet flowery, short story of the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies colliding in 4 billion years as a "creative assignment" for my summer Astronomy class, but I just couldn't write. I had several ideas (as who can't love a made up humorous story a galactical war with human-like furious faces?), but  

I. couldn't. write. a. single. sentence. 

Not without other thoughts coming to surface and making it impossible to complete a sentence. I even tried to write a simple poem. Even a short one, but I couldn't.

Even this blog post is very difficult to write, on so many levels.
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I'm very disappointed about that. Actually, scratch that. I am SO incredibly disappointed, upset, discouraged, and hurt, as my passion for creative writing had somewhat recently been revived after chilling in the dugout for about 5 years while music composition took highest priority. But I wanted to at least compose a public blog post thanking those who have always unconditionally supported my dreams of becoming a successful creative writer, if this passion does not revive. I appreciate those whom have supported my poems, short stories, and novels ever since middle school. I also appreciate those whom have supported my prior dream of becoming a successful film composer, though for many reasons I will not disclose here, I chose to pursue creative writing instead.

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Ever since middle school when I began to craft an image for a combination of my music, my literature, and my art, I realized that I am an entirely creativity-fueled person. Everyone I've grown up with and now know, knows this notion to be very true. However, I do not know how much I will now write or attempt to publish under my legal name or my pseudonym, Jessica Anastasia, now, just as I write infinitely less music than before (last complete composition is dated as being uploaded on August 20, 2011 on my website...yikes). 

For those interested in my literary works, I do hope to finish a currently untitled novel that I've been working on for a while as well as my highly-hyped up supernatural/thriller (or horror?)/psychological thriller fictional short story "Hillcrest Manor," as I've told a handful people of it about seven months ago after waking up from a nightmare and quickly jotting everything down I could remember (gotta love when your sleeping mind comes up with full stories for you). I still believe it is a brilliant idea with a hauntingly beautiful message at the end. (Maybe I just have to keep reminding myself of that so I can actually complete it...or maybe my friends should pester me more ;]) I have also written a handful of "new" poems that range from being written weeks ago to months ago that I believe are "Jessica Anastasia"-label-worthy. 

For those interested in my musical works, as always, I do hope to complete something at some point in time. I have a select few ideas that focus around the poems mentioned above, as well as "Hillcrest Manor." (I wish I could write piano sheet music better.)

*Cough Jessica Anastasia Official Website Cough*

(Trying to keep some humor here, as this post does not focus on a happy topic.)

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Thank you to all of the people in my life who have supported, embraced, and praised my creative talents, no matter how they've been affected or altered or whatever by me or any outside forces. Stating as myself and my image (which I generally don't do for protective reasons), your encouraging support has always been and will always be appreciated, no matter what happens, though I truly do hope that this passion can be revived once again.

I will be monitoring comments on this post because I do not believe I am entirely protected here with my words even though this is technically a blog, so please do be careful with your words, intentions, and language.
Even if I think you are an awesome person, if you cannot kindly adhere to what I wrote above for my own safety, your comment will be deleted. But please keep in mind that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the comment any less. I'll probably P/M you and ask you to rephrase your words :)

As stated in my prior post, 

Till 'Til next I write and next you read,

or perhaps this is our bittersweet adieu between writer and reader,
thanks to those who have read my words.
And be true to yourself, as I am to myself. 

~xxj

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 (Chopin's relaxing 21st Nocturne)

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SMALL UPDATE :

July 7, 2012

I'm not really updating to say that I've picked up the pen, or opened Word, or anything of the sort, but as I enjoy enlightening people with things that I find beautiful, or interesting, or worth-while, I wanted to share the existence of a wonderful novel called "White Oleander," by Janet Fitch. I haven't read for pure entertainment since the final Harry Potter book, but I need something to do to pass the time these days, and this is the fourth book I've read this summer so far.

As I've been a tremendous adorer of the movie of the same name (it's one of my favorites, as well as "Girl, Interrupted), I decided to look into the novel. I'm only at the beginning, but while reading, I remembered that I put a picture of white oleanders above this public letter. They are my favorite flowers, and a lot because of what they stand for in this movie and book.

I just wanted to share this:

And another thanks to those who've left comments for me about this, as well as those who've contacted me through other means to express your feelings. Your words are ever appreciated xx 
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JESSICA ANASTASIA UPDATE:
Though there have been no new additions to Jessica Anastasia's collections of music, literature, or art, she has updated her official website to include an (incomplete) listing of her literature (short fiction, poetry, and novel), listing of information on About page (Overview, Biography, Upcoming Projects), upgraded Arts page to better display photography and sketches, upgraded Contact page (it's pretty), upgraded Updates page (it's also pretty), and added background music throughout some pages - all utilizing a few new features on the WIX website.

As Jessica Anastasia needs view counts for her account on .tk (a free website-hosting service), please feel free to check it out if you stumble upon this blog post xx

Jessica Anastasia - Composer of Music and Literature Official Website

Dedication Post: To All My Friends Struggling Or Having Had Struggled With Alcoholism

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WHY I CARE :

For privacy reasons to protect my personal life (as well as others), I will not disclose anything extremely personal about my experiences with alcohol in the past or present. Instead, I am going to focus on those I care about who suffer or have suffered from alcoholism. Through many conversations with these people I care about and from my own experiences, we've found that there are many, many wrong things that people tend to say to those who struggle or have struggled with using alcohol as more than a "partying" means (I did a blog post about this cruel concept that you can see below). And do we believe that fair to [general] them? I do not believe so, and neither do they. As stated by one of my friends while talking to him about how he once depended on alcohol to lessen the stress and sadness in their personal life (after what someone insultingly stated one day to him):  

"You should never call someone an alcoholic if they are still struggling. And you should never EVER call someone an alcoholic if they are definitely no longer one, but obviously had past issues with alcoholism. Talk about a mental tizzy and a stab to the heart." 

This person shall remain anonymous for obvious reasons. I'm not that cruel to disclose names here.

But this friend had a very good point. I could never say something like that to anyone, regardless of my own experiences with alcohol.

***And something else to note:***

You never know WHO may have struggled with alcohol or is struggling with alcohol. Just like you never know who may be struggling or have struggled with bulimia or cutting or bruising or drugs or whatever else. I believe it's best for people to just not judge because one may end up doing far more harm than good, even if it's completely unintentional. The world would be a much better place if people chose to embrace people instead of label them. (ooo I hate labels)

As I posted in my "Can People Please Cool It With The Butterbeer Puns?" blog post from February 7, 2012 about actor Daniel Radcliffe's struggle with alcoholism because of his addictive personality, it's not a very kind thing to make fun of someone for feeling as though alcohol is their "turn-to" means of finding solace. As stated in that post, he no longer resorts to such means, has a loving girlfriend, obviously a TON of money, and has been alcohol-free for a very long time. I have a great deal of respect for him for stepping forward and bringing light to a situation he went through so others may not go through it either (oh the power of celebrity and role model-ism).

But seriously, kudos, Mr. Radcliffe.

(The post is worth reading)

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WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR A YEAR :

 Help my friends who are struggling or still struggling, though I know I've helped a few. Try to show them that they can talk out their problems with me, even if they think my words are mud. Or they may not be. But I'm happy to state that I have generally been my group of friends' DW - meaning "Designated Walker" for a WHILE now. And I don't mind that at all. I'd rather my friends be safe than lying on their backs in the sewers or something. Or seeing some interesting photographs on social media (*cue regrets*). And it's one thing to go to the local bar than it is to drink alone in a darkened room for reasons other than chillaxin' reasons. Or at least, I believe so. Perhaps I am wrong there. I don't know, this is a blog, these are all of my opinions!

And why a year?

That's personal.

Le drink of choice at the moment
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YES, I DO ENJOY A DRINK :

As one of my friends says (based off of "My Drunk Kitchen" - inside joke opportunity!): let's be real for a moment: Regardless of what I've personally gone through with alcohol whether it be good or bad, yes, I do enjoy an alcoholic beverage from time to time. I am 21, after all and have been since February 28th. I'd like to suggest that people should be careful (especially if heredity plays a factor), though however much one wants to drink is their business. I will, however, do my best to ensure that anyone I drink with drinks reasonably to their heart's content. And if they over-drink, then I will remain with them until they've sobered up. That's just how it goes for me. And I don't mind.

And no judgement or shade casted onto those who use alcohol for whatever means. I cannot judge you. I can only wish for your safety and allow you to know that I am always available to talk to 
(preferably not in a blog post comment, but if I know you personally, feel free to text or FB p/m me. If I do not now you personally - since I am expanding the audience this blog reaches - feel free to p/m me on my Facebook Page or Twitter Account).

Dedicated to all of you who are suffering or have suffered from alcoholism.

My thoughts are with you.

And be safe!

xx

(Where was THIS for my neon-themed newsletter?)
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TO THE READERS :

• Have you ever accidentally insulted someone with a past issue (of something) without knowing it, but later finding out you insulted them?
• What do you think these sorts of slips do mentally to someone?
• What's your preferred drink? 

~xxj

Jessica Says: Dedication Post To A Relative...

No need for an Image Source caption! Tis a bad webcam photo of me, obviously!

 THANK YOU :

I don’t even know where to begin, but I definitely know that I sadly cannot begin to express the insanely grand amount of gratitude I have for you for always constantly and willingly being there to support me and read my emails, from high school to now - and as you know, most of them are not full of rainbows and ponies - even though you are physically 30 hours away from me (living in the most beautiful country on the planet). I’m pretty sure that’s how long it would take to get there, right? Anyway, it has always been so amazing that you’ve always responded to them even though I know how incredibly busy you are with all of the many, MANY things happening in your life, personal and career-wise. Seriously, like I’ve said many times before, I don’t know how you do it. I’d go absolutely insane! But good on ya!

I appreciate your awesome amount of support with everything, even though I still feel as though I still and have yet to be able to express how much I appreciate everything you've done for me - especially with all that has been happening in my collegiate life, from Move-In Day freshman year, to everything this past semester. You’ve been SO awesome to read (as recently calculated) 100,323 words of this past semester's ~15-part email thread. 12 point font, Times New Roman, single space, as well. Nearly almost as much as one would need for the beginning of their PhD. Almost enough for a novel! Literally!...though it has been months' worth of writing (just trying to not sound conceited here).

Regardless, that is a LOT to read and you always did and you always responded with your honest opinions and suggestions, which I am so grateful for. It is so wonderful to know that you supported, support, and will support my decisions, emotions, and well-being as a relative, student, writer, and human being, regardless of what the situation may be.

Thank you so incredibly much. So so so so so so so much. I know a blog post isn’t much and that my other originally poetic idea was much more awesome, but I just wanted to publicly thank you here, for any and all to see.

You are an amazing, supportive, and kind person -  and honestly one of the select few in my “family” that I truly consider family.

~

Much love, as always,
jess

Penguin chick is happy to have you in her life
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Jessica Says: "To Write Love On Her Arms"

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TWLOHA - WHAT IS IT? :

Taken from their website:

"MISSION STATEMENT:
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

VISION:

The vision is that we actually believe these things…
You were created to love and be loved.  You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story.  You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world.  My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time.  We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments.  You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.
We all wake to the human condition.  We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss.  Millions of people live with problems of pain.  Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay.  We know that pain is very real.  It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption.  We're seeing it happen.  We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need.  People sitting across from a counselor for the first time.  People stepping into treatment.  In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline.  We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take.  We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.
Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.
The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.
The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings.  The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships.  The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love.  The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise.  The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story."

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JESSICA SAYS :
Suicide, self-mutilation, addiction, and depression are very difficult topics to openly talk about with anyone, let alone even write about. I will not discuss what I may or may not have dealt with on my own here, but I can relate, sympathize, and empathize. I am the kind of person who will support whomever with whatever means they find to be happy, however, I will also inform them of the consequences, which in most cases, they already know about. I will also obviously try my best to help them.

I did a blog post on this because I think it's important for people to know that they aren't alone, even if they're in a very dark place. When I recently dealt with a very trying and emotionally devastating situation, I was in what seemed to be a perpetually dark place. But I sucked up my stubbornness and turned to my friends and others for help with shaking hands and teary eyes, something I don't generally do. I will not say what I may have felt or wanted to do - but didn't - throughout this particular situation I will not elaborate upon, but I think others can relate. I think people should definitely try to turn to others (I chose friends, a relative, and authority figures, not a therapist) if they are feeling depressed, fighting the urges to harm themselves, turning to an addiction to deal with the situation, or contemplating/attempting suicide. I think people would be surprised by how many people will support them and let them know that they can survive their ordeal and they'll help them do that. I can't say that I am doing better, but I'm grateful for the help of those to whom I turned.

You can read/view my awesome dedication blog of their assistance
Here.

I also hope my friends know that they can turn to me if they feel any of these things. I may not necessarily write "Love" on my arms, but it'll always be there for others.

TO THE READERS:

• Have you ever heard of TWLOHR?
• What do you think of this particular movement?
• What would you do if a friend turned to you and told you that they wanted to die even though in your eyes, they've always been strong?

~xxj

A Picture Blog Post: No White Flags

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 FIRST PICTURE BLOG POST
 AND WHY? :

I'm sure it's easily realized now by this sentence that these kinds of posts will be mainly pictures, but with captions below to weave in between the story, emotion, or whatever that I am trying to portray. It will also be interesting because each picture story will be ended on a note that is really for people's own reasoning, however, each post has its own overall general moral. What you choose to do with my story is your choice. Also remember that this is a blog, a writer's tool for freedom of speech and expression.

This one is about the concept of not giving up what you believe in, what you deserve, and who you are.
 

Obviously, this one is going to be "Pirates of the Caribbean"-themed because I feel a number of the stills pertain to the point I'm trying to make. Also, it's Jack Sparrow, who has an amazing array of emotion in his many facial expressions. So duh.
 

(I feel the need to note that no, by choice of actor it's not a "celeb crush" or something...I personally think those are rather silly unless you actually know the person. I met Martina Navratilova once, though. Anywho, I think Depp would be a pretty cool guy to meet in real life, though. Interesting fact: Depp is far more of an interesting person than people tend to play him out to be because of his attractive appearance and acting talent (though his words sometimes gets him into trouble). Definitely take the time to read into his post-having children life compared to his pre-having children life. I recently did a newsletter about the concept of people changing "for the better" when they have children, and it's a pretty interesting concept.)

I think this post will be suiting, especially since it is my final day as a junior (and resident) in university.

Hopefully my senior year will be better. We'll see.

Awesome Suggestion Below:
Beautiful composition called "One Day" by Hans Zimmer from the third "Pirates" movie I suggest you listen to as you read this :

And here we go :

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There are times in life where even when you have finally achieved what you feel is absolute happiness and hope in your life, things can go completely wrong, even without you knowing it.

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And then that happiness you've waited so long for to achieve goes away along with some other things, but you don't understand why.

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And you are given no answers.

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And nowhere you feel is safe to go.

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 And no one to whom you could turn, even if you wanted or needed to turn to them.

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And no need for certain things - those kinds of things.

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But then you may try to get an answer and the situation can end up getting worse.

Awesome drawing
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And you still receive no answers, become even sadder, and even question your convictions.

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Even though you never had to truly question your convictions before.

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And the thought of having accidentally crossed them consumes you, along with everything else, leaving you in a very different state.

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The burden of the world lies upon your weakening shoulders, but you won't let it go.

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And that's okay, time does not, cannot, and will not heal everything for everyone.

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But if you're stubborn and independent like me, it will help to open your hidden heart, cry in front of others, and turn to those others for help.

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 And maybe there will be one you can trust to provide you answers, and he or she will.

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And who knows, maybe they will all surprise you, just as mine did when helping me.

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But it is still about YOU.

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And retrieving your very self again, as well as strengthen it.

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And be willing and wanting to do what needs to be done, regardless of the risks, all for your own well-being.

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And stand for what you believe in, what you deserve, and who you are and know you are.

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But even after that battle you may still lose everything and more...so all you can do now is:

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Hope,

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wait,

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try to remain strong, and 

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count the days, but note:

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You still fought what you fought for and even though after all of your efforts, you still lost everything in the end, you didn't surrender and won't surrender; but you made a smart move to step aside, regardless if it was forced or chosen. Do you know how many people would just sit back and do nothing? Go you!

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And maybe, just maybe, not all hope is lost, future buried, security shattered, enemies crafted, direction averted, people forbidden, and comfort slaughtered.

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Maybe both you and I can and will tack our bruised ships back to comfortable shores.

Hopefully.

I am still waiting for mine.

This blog post is a dedication to all of the people whom know what situation I am referring to in this pretty little Picture Blog Post.

Be strong and feel what you feel,
believe in what you believe,
fight for what's worth fighting for to you,
never question your convictions,

and don't be afraid to be human.

Every human has their rights, these included.

Practice them, embrace them, and share them.

Thank you, people,

jess

WARNING TO THOSE WHO MAY COMMENT:

PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WRITE.
LEAVE DETAILS OUT, PARTICULAR OPINIONS STIFLED, ETC. ON THIS BLOG POST.

P/M ME IF YOU WISH TO SHARE ANYTHING THAT SHOULD BE SAID IN A PRIVATE PERSONAL CONVERSATION. 

~xxj 

Jessica Says: Teacher, Teacher, What You Gonna Do?

The Movie "Jennifer's Body" - For irony purposes
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WHY I AM WRITING THIS :

This must seem to be a completely random Jessica Says post, right?
Or something that's laced with sex and scandal, right?
I mean, I did use a Megan Fox picture up above, so clearly my intentions here are horrible and lustful.

Well think again because this is a post about my recent meeting with two high-up officials at this university for having a discussion with my new female adviser to whom - during a meeting - I spoke about how wonderful my previous adviser, someone of the male gender, is and how I appreciated his support and was disappointed that he no longer is my adviser.
Clearly, no ill intentions. They never existed.

So what can I possibly say about this other than this unfair treatment is wrong, hypocritical, stereotypical, and hateful. I was ordered to only speak of professional things with him, like a club I belong in or if I have a question about the fundamentals behind the construction of adverbs or something equally dreadfully boring of the sort.

And they kindly insinuated I am a slut, though I'm far from it.

Female student and female educator
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MASKED EXAMPLES :
Here are some completely true stories that I wanted to respectfully reveal to help prove my point, but I'm not going to the put names of specific professors whose encounters I've written below, for obvious reasons. And something to note is that the majority of these examples are professors in the department that I was being excessively reprimanded for conversing with :

1. Let's start with the Authority #1, whom I only met just today for the first time. She and I spoke about where we grew up, if she liked or disliked living in Pennsylvania, what she likes to write, how insane it is that it's 80 degrees in March, how New Jersey has beautiful parts and she visits the area where I grew up quite frequently, how we both think that the Lake I was going to was pretty though she's never been there, how long she's been working at [University Name Withheld], etc. etc. etc - quite the "personal conversation", though they reprimanded me for having "personal" conversations in person and via email with a male professor about things like video games or traveling. Is it okay for me to have "personal conversations" with only female authority figures? What if I were a lesbian, that'd be put me in a very difficult situation because obviously, it'd be the same "inappropriate" situation but flipped upside-down, though people rarely ever think about that because it's not in black-and-white before them or entirely socially acceptable. What if I were a bisexual? Would I never be allowed to have a conversation with ANY professor because of the constant worry of the professor (or others) thinking I may be hitting on them for having conversation that goes further than the "How are you?" "Good" - which, by the way, is a completely worthless conversation to even have in my book. Those particular ones are wasted time because they say absolutely nothing about how anyone is actually doing.

2. Let's talk about the Authority #2 who was the main culprit of claiming I was something I wasn't and doing things I wasn't. It was almost as though she were pushing me to confess to something I never did, just so she can be right and I could be wrong. At the end of this lovely meeting, I said it was a pleasure to meet the two of them, however, not under such circumstances. To this, she smiled and said that perhaps she and I shall in the future, obviously about personal things since she is not a Professional Writing professor or adviser - which doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of that entire meeting? Or is it because she's a female that her words make this entirely okay, though excessively intrusive and ironic.

3. Let's talk about example Professor #1 who I had an endearing conversation with about our births,  upbringings, and personalities. It was truly one of the most amazing conversations I've ever had with anyone, professor or not. And this professor is a female. Is it wrong that we talked about this very, very personal and real topic that probably went far deeper than any "personal" conversation I've ever had with any other male or female professor - or well, anyone for that matter? And she's a photographer, something else we have in common. Seems as though the rules should apply to both genders, but like the first example I posted, it only seems to go one way.

4. Let's talk about example Professor #2 whom I've known since the first day I began here at  [University Name Withheld] and he is one of the most amazing people I know and I am infinitely in debt to all he has done for me.Though he is not my professor for any course, I still like to speak to him about just about anything, though I rarely ever feel the need to speak to him about something that would be deemed as "professional." It's sad, but it's true that people would obviously automatically assume that any female student/male professor relationship is always more than just that. Because he is a man and I am a woman.

5. Let's talk about example Professor #3 who was kind enough to make me a cappuccino in her office one evening while working on a website for her. We spoke about many things and caught up with each others' lives. She, like Professor #2, has supported me for the past 3 years, as well, and I value her honesty and opinions. But would this situation be completely inappropriate if she were, instead, a male professor? She and I also have the same sense of style, so does that mean that we are secret lesbian lovers just because she made me a coffee, we wear black boots, and talked about the home life.

6. Let's talk about example Professor #4 who was kind enough to waste his time to speak to me about past part-time jobs done decades ago. He could be my grandfather and he also spoke of his children and his grandchildren. Is it wrong that we had a conversation about something like part-time jobs because he is a male professor and probably triple my age?

7. Let's talk about example Professor #5 who I sent an email to telling him that I sincerely appreciated the fact that he did a stand-up kind act for a friend of mine when nobody else was willing to do something monumental for her monumental event during her college career. That was a truly personal and expressive email, though I don't know him very well personally. Am I in the wrong for being honest and appreciative for a friend who deserves better than she receives?

8. Let's talk about example Professor #6 who helped me realize that I could be infinitely happier as a Professional Writing major, not a Music Composition major. He is maybe in his forties and we've spoken on a number of occasions early in my college career about our shared interest of New York City, vampires, and escaping the boring scene that is [University Name Withheld]. Am I in the wrong for speaking to him about more than just switching majors? Or is that fine because he's homosexual? Would that mean that if a male homosexual student were to speak to him about something not "professional," they're automatically sleeping together?

9. Let's talk about example Professor #7 who I have the utmost respect for. Sometimes it's difficult to be able to have professors who remind you of your aunt and is also an extremely phenomenal professor who pushes her students to try and succeed. And she is a woman. And we've had conversations before that focus on New Zealand, the tropics, retirement, and choral music. Am I wrong to have spent time in her office at 8am that one morning because that was her office hour? Or is that okay because of her status, respect, and gender? Was I wrong to ask her if I could borrow a pencil for my math exam because I forgot to grab one?

10. Let's talk about example Professor #8 who asked me to help him create a school website and needed  photographs of himself conducting because he had none. Obviously, he is a male professor who asked me something that can easily be viewed as inappropriate, however, it wasn't even in the slightest. If someone were to walk into the building that we were in, though, I am certain that they would question our motives, but especially mine because I am a female student and he is a male professor.

11. Let's talk about example Professor  #9 whom I barely know anything about, but had a nice chat about a British television show titled "Dr. Who," the amazing works and saddening death of Vincent Van Gogh, and my friendship with one of my friends. Would this be inappropriate if this particular professor were male and not female? Is death/suicide of an amazing painter off limits?

12. Let's talk about example  Professor  #10 whom I had emailed an email of complete truth and honesty after she had asked our class to leave because hardly anyone was prepared for the class. She asked me to come to her office hour and wanted to discuss my email, which coincidentally, she sincerely appreciated even though I was nervous that I may have been far too honest. During this meeting, we discussed how students seemed to have changed, how she felt as though I were a student from perhaps 20 years ago, how my parents were educators and I remember sitting in the faculty lunch room listening to these teachers speak of anything and everything, how she may pick up another job as a translator, and the reality of being a music performance major. Am I wrong for having emailed her in the first place even though she truly felt happy that I had emailed her? Am I wrong to have had a personal conversation with her during the meeting? Or is it because she's a female professor this makes my honesty and conversational personality okay?

13. Let's talk about a single example Teacher #1 whom I had for three years in high school - sophomore year through senior year, obviously during most of the time, I was a minor. We had connected instantly because he would have been my teacher at the high school I was meant to go to back in New Jersey. We had plenty of personal conversations about the differences between Pennsylvania and New Jersey, how the students were different, which teachers and students we both knew of, how we became interested in music, amongst many other things. And we generally spoke in his office and through email. Was it wrong that a 30-something-year-old man conversed with me, a minor, in his office alone and through email about things not related and not entirely related to what he taught?

14. Though I know I am no Megan Fox, I know I am not the homeliest-looking girl with the worst sense of fashion. I love boots, I love pleather, I love lace, I love looking a notch-up from the typical college student in their mismatched pajamas and tank tops.If I were extremely not aesthetically-pleasing or not generally well-put-together, would I have gotten half the heat that I did during that meeting? If I had kyphosis or two lazy eyes, would that matter? If I wore a sweatshirt or long pants instead of a dress to that meeting, would that matter? I feel like their attacking on me was brought far too cruelly than necessary, and a lot because of my physical appearance along with my choice of attire?

15. So am I wrong for having let a male professor borrow video games, telling a female professor I loved her shoes, letting a male professor borrow the movie "Girl, Interrupted," letting a female professor see me cry when I received a bad grade, telling a male professor he dressed nicely today, complimenting a female professor's dress, doing flyers for a male professor's music ensemble I'm not even a part of, purchasing a tremendous bag of candy for the former amazing female secretary of the music department for passing students so she didn't have to spend her own money, buying two large Hershey's bars for a male professor who loves chocolate, telling a female professor what I really thought of how she teaches a class, informing a male professor that he had mayonnaise on his lips after taking a bite of his sandwich,  letting a female professor have access to my website-making account, taking pictures at a male professor's ensemble event even though I don't actually have to do so, etc. etc. etc.? Am I?

16. And am I wrong for naturally being able to converse with older people, male or female, better than people my own age or younger? Perhaps it's because my parents were both educators and so are a few of my relatives, so I know how this game works, but I still like to talk to them. I remember sitting in the teachers' lunch room at my parents' schools, listening to the teachers gossip about what this particular kid did, what that particular kid said. It was hilarious. I loved being able to see backstage and hear what teachers really thought of their students and jobs and lives. I love when they're real, and a number of professors truly are actually. I love getting to know educators and being able to get a glimpse of behind the Educator Exterior, which I respect all the same, regardless. And if I can't, that's fine, too. But I like to know what they think of things, what their interests are, what they like to write, what music they like to play, what they really think of my talent, etc. It's not unprofessional.

17. I truly cannot emphasize enough the importance of the many topics in this blog post. I am a female straight student and that's why I am not allowed to have a conversation with a male professor. But as I mentioned earlier in this post, what if I were a lesbian? Would I not be able to have a conversation with a female professor? And dear gosh, if I were a bisexual, would I not be able to have a conversation with any professor? Who would I talk to then? An animal? Perhaps a dog professor named Professor Dogowitz? Or a cat professor named Dr. Meowski? How on earth would I be able to prevent myself from rubbing either of their animal bellies? I love animals.

Dr. Meowski is judging you for being judgmental
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18. And by the way, isn't EVERY email a personal email? We all say things like "warm regards" or "Good morning Professor X" - that is personal. Or do they just want me to write something like this:

Professor X:
Body paragraph with absolutely no emotion.
And absolutely no final farewell.
Just my name.
My full name.
(And I have a number of middle names.)


19. This entire blog post is a lengthy embodiment painting my silent words of regret and disappointment to the male professor whom I can no longer converse with.

And that is a shame.

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JESSICA ASKS :

1. How long do you think it took me to write all of this? Secondly, how long did it take you to read all of this?
2. What do you think about all of the true and unfair examples I provided here?
3. Do you have a professor like any of the ones I listed above that you feel you can relate to and have absolutely no fear that anything inappropriate will result from your conversations?

~xxj