Can't Look Me In The Eyes II

Back to searching for comfortable shores.

REALIZATIONS II:

This is just a bit of an addition, but I didn't want to put it with yesterday's post because the tone is somewhat different, as yesterday's tone was full of disappointment, realization, and some sadness.

But today feels different. To truly mentally realize that you've let someone go who severely hurt you is rather liberating. It is like getting out of an abusive relationship, getting a heavy burden off your shoulders, or revealing a secret that has torn you apart.

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To truly mentally realize that you've let someone go who cared more about their wellbeing than yours, despite you sacrificing yours for theirs, is enlightening. It's like finally seeing someone for who they really are, not how you saw them before. Was the sacrifice wasted, or did you take the moral high ground? Will you see him or her again, would you even want to?

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To truly mentally realize that you've let someone go who couldn't really look you in your tearful, unwavering eyes, and spoke fallacious words to your face says volumes. It's like putting the key in the door and locking it, like closing the note-in-a bottle and letting it float off to sea, like finishing a last entry to a diary and capping the pen.

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It's not "moving on" from a situation, it's letting go of an aspect,

though that does not mean anything is forgiven or forgotten.

Or that the story is over and untold.

Or that things are completely okay, or that you've given up.

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If anything,

it's just understanding that who you saw wasn't who it was,

and you realize that now. 

Perhaps, in time, such could be discussed more seriously under different circumstances.

Forgiveness? Acceptance? Tolerance? Pity?

Apology?

It is sad to let go of someone you actually cared about based upon past,

but it's difficult to care about someone who obviously doesn't care about you, and hasn't for a while.

Why waste the time or the energy?

"It's like cradling scorpions," someone once said.

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Truth will always be revealed, in one way or another - at some time or another.

"Lies have speed, but truth has endurance."

I stand for truth.

And I also stand for compassion.

 

But I also never forget the reasoning why I cared about someone in the first place.

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This is my final xxjessicaSays blog post, as this, in a sense, is closing the book of blog posts that began as fun and ended as what several know it did.

Thank you to ALL my readers and commenters. I appreciate your efforts of reading my thoughts.

Thank you to everyone who has supported my efforts, actions, and perspective this entire time, too.

 

And, as can be a PR opp, please continue to check out my "Jessica Anastasia" website that features more information about me and my programmatic music, creative writings, and arts.

Until next I write and next you read,

ta.

~xxj

Can't Look Me In The Eyes

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REALIZATIONS: 

Firstly, it has been a while since I've last posted something on here, I actually nearly forgot how to post a picture.

Secondly, I realized something very monumental today after making a very bold move - a very bold move made out of impulse, bewilderment, and disappointment after asking a simple question.

Do I regret it?

No, not entirely.

But I think the most important thing I learned today is that there is no point in further holding onto why you thought someone was great, if he or she can't even look you in your tearful eyes when answering questions or explaining reasoning, especially if some you knew already, but needed to hear in-person.

And especially if he or she lies right to your face.
Even that is a bold and surprising move.

It's times like these that you realize that there's no point in hurting yourself by holding onto those past beliefs.
Wanting to curl up into a ball and cry your eyes out at the feet of that person is self-destructive, self-belittling, and moronic.
Especially when you've been so strong thus far, and already mentally decided to let go a while ago.

There's no point in holding onto these people,
especially when he or she is not there for you,
or don't show sorrow or apology,
or can't even look you in the eyes.

I guess that's kind of like an unsaid goodbye, right?
Some sense of unsought closure.
A door once open, now willingly closed by you.
What a shame, though, especially when you never expected to have to

say goodbye.

EDIT: 
TVD Opp

To those I can turn to and to the prospective open and welcoming doors ahead:

And as always, a sincere thanks to the supportive friends and adult figures in my life.
You've been strong with me from day one and I will never forget your kindness, assistance, and patience (especially with a ton of reading).

Now at 124,413 words.

As was joked by someone and I found it quite humorous, so I made a meme:

Arggg

~xxj